2008: The Good and the Bad

Many of us take a few moments and reflect on the past year and then look forward to what we hope will be a better year. I’ve been thinking all week, what do I think of 2008? I guess I have many reasons to hate this year, and justifiably so. But there are many reasons I like the events of 2008. Let’s recap.

January saw Sydney start karate with Anna. Both girls were half way through 2nd grade and Kindergarten. Anna had sleepovers for 4 of the first 5 weekends. Hayden stopped nursing, finally, and was sleeping in his room. Life was good!

February and March were busy with Hayden's cochlear candidacy at Texas Children's. He and I spent many days downtown over 5 weeks. The decision was to wait another 3 months. At the same time, we were waiting for the change over for Jason's company which was acquired in December. The deal was final in April and he was fortunate to have been kept on.

It was during this time, that I noticed the lump. I dismissed it as nothing, just my body readjusting to not nursing. I was so involved with Hayden’s tests and keeping the girls lives normal with school, that I moved it to the back of my mind. By the beginning of April, I couldn’t ignore it any more. It wasn’t normal. I went to my doctor who wanted me to get an ultrasound and mammogram. The doctor wanted to do a needle biopsy that day. Two days later on May 1, our lives changed. I had breast cancer.

May was a whirlwind of activity. Jason's birthday and our anniversary were anticlimactic. I saw a number of doctors, had lots of imaging done, and started chemo. By the end of May, I was tired, sick and thinking what a summer we were going to have. We were able to celebrate Sydney's birthday and make that special though.

June started with hair loss. The girls got out of school on June 5th and I let them cut my hair short on the 4th. I was doing chemo every 3 weeks, with one sick week and 2 kind of normal weeks. Hayden was finally approved for his implant in the middle of the month.

July was more of the same. Hayden was implanted on July 21st and I was able to be there to help him during a good week. He did great!

August saw a little change with chemo. The worst part was over. I started on 2 different drugs and was just tired. My hair started to grow back, slowly. The girls went back to school and Hayden's implant was turned on. Life was kind of normal.

That continued into September and October. Then Hurricane Ike hit. I don't like hurricanes and don't recommend being in one. We recovered from that. I was volunteering a lot at school and with the PTO. Anna and Sydney started soccer for the first time and had a lot of fun with that. My last chemo was on October 17.

November was another month of change. Jason started a new job with a new company. This was a hard decision to make considering all we'd been through during the year. In the end, with some negotiation, he decided it was a good opportunity. Let's hope so!

December is a month I'd almost like to forget. My mastectomy surgery went well, though it was, and is, still painful at times. I'm doing better each day as are the kids and Jason. More time is needed until I am back to my old self, but it will happen. The kids are doing well and are having as normal a life as we can give them, all things considered.

So, as I'm writing this, I've decided that I don't want to forget lots of things that happened this year. We made a lot of hard decisions for our family that we hope will be good in the end. We discovered a deeper faith in God and that has brought us all closer. We found out that we have the best group of people in the world to call family and friends. And we discovered strengths in ourselves that we didn't fully realize were there.

I could hate this year for so many reasons, but in the end, life is short. I don't have time to dwell on all the bad. From past experience, I know I'll not forget it, but it will be overshadowed by all the great times we had this year.

Many people have commented this year on my positive attitude. I have times that I don't feel great about life, just like everyone else, but really, my life is pretty good. Cancer aside, I'm pretty healthy, I have great kids and a wonderful husband. We're happy and 2008 didn't change that. Let's hope that 2009 holds the same happiness for our family and yours.

Happy New Year!

Merry Christmas!

What a great Christmas! The kids had a great time opening presents. They loved what Santa and all their family sent them. The are still playing hours after opening everything. And the family room has piles of gifts all over. It's wonderful!

I hope that everyone had a joyful day. Being with family and friends is one of the best parts of Christmas.

Christmas Cheer

Jason and I took some friends to Christmas Eve service at Fellowship. We love our church and wanted to share with others. It was a great service and I think our friends enjoyed it. It's one of the few times the girls go with us into the main auditorium. At the end, we sing carols by candlelight and the girls love it. It's a special time to share with them. We'll go again on Wednesday when Jason and the girls volunteer as greeters during two of the service times. Fellowship has grown so much since we moved here. They had 8 services 3 years ago and now have 17 at the 3 campuses. I'm usually in the children's side, but have to skip this year.

For all our friends and family that are forced inside due to weather, cuddle close to your loved ones and remember that Christmas is almost here. Yeah!

Long day

Today, I went in for my Herceptin. Remember, I couldn't get it 3 weeks ago because of an abnormal echo. I reminded the nurse of that and then the 1 1/2 hour journey began. My echo was again showing my EF (can't remember what that stands for) was at 45-50%. Normal is 50-60%. My doctor said I could get it, but at a 20% lower dose. As I was getting my vitals taken, my heart started skipping again. The nurse had to talk to my doctor again. She then was in discussion with the cardiologist. Finally, I was approved for the full dose. The Herceptin can cause heart damage which is why they are very cautious about what the echo is saying.

After all that, Dad and I went to lunch. It was my first time going to a restaurant post-surgery. I felt good, tired, but good. It was nice to be able to talk with him all day. We then went home to relax a little before my next appointment.

I saw my plastic surgeon in the afternoon. After waiting an hour, I finally got in. He took out the 3rd drain and added more fluid to the tissue expanders. I have to wait until Wednesday to get the last drain out and I'll go every 2 weeks to add to the expanders. Adding fluid can be painful, since it is pushing the muscle out. I'm going to try to not take pain meds as long as I can. I don't want to spend the weekend sick again.

Dr. Basu did give me some hopeful news. Since my pathology came back negative for cancer (yippee!!) he thinks I may not need to have radiation. He thinks it needs to go before the review board to make the decision. I'll discuss it more with my oncologist and radiation oncologist in January and February. If I don't have to have radiation, it changes all of 2009 for me. I can do reconstruction sooner, my options are better for reconstruction and I'll also be done with everything sooner. Oh, I hope so, but if I have to do radiation, then that's what I'll do.

Amazingly talented 2 year old

I may be biased because I gave birth to him, but Hayden is the smartest 2 year old. He learned to play my iPod today. He can play the music and listen to the ear buds in his non-implanted ear. I'm really curious to learn when he's older if he can hear anything in the implanted ear. He's supposed to be deaf, but could have some residual hearing. He will truly be the smartest kid when he asks for his own!

Heart update

This isn't the official update, that will come later in the week. I had another echo today to see if my heart has improved. The technician was great. She did my last one and was very cautious today since I just had surgery 11 days ago. I had very little pain or discomfort. My heart rate did improve. Last time I had skipped beats which resulted in an EKG. That wasn't a problem today. So, cross your fingers that we have good news on Friday. I'm not sure what will happen if I can't have the Herceptin. I'll discuss that with my doctor later.

Love my kids!

It's Saturday morning and I have to share: I LOVE MY KIDS! Yep, it's true. They are the best kids anyone can ask for. Hayden hasn't been able to hold on to me for over a week now and he's handled it very well. He'll come into my room and do the "I love you" sign and say "I love you, mama" which is the best thing in the world to hear. The girls also came in asking for paper. I asked what they needed it for. They were writing a Christmas book. They were so excited to share their idea with me. I love their creativity! It would actually be a great idea for a children's book. Anyway, the joy they each had is so intoxicating. I could just hug them forever! Being the mother of these 3 is just the best thing in the world.

Great news!

My general surgeon, Dr. Hubbard, called with great news! He had the pathology back on my tumor and there was no sign of cancer. None! He took out the tumor and 18 lymph nodes and there was no cancer left. I'm so excited!! I don't think this changes the radiation based on the aggressive nature of the cancer and high recurrence rate, but I'm just glad to say I'm cancer free. I'm going to celebrate after the pain and nausea goes away.

Alive!

Well, I survived the surgery. It doesn't always feel like it, though.

Jason and I arrived at the hospital at 6 am on Thursday. I went in around 6:30 to get preped. At 7, Jason came back and we met with the anesthesiologist. He recommended an epidural to help with the pain after surgery. I was all for that! He got started shortly after that. I was up on the table, Jason sitting in front of me and then the worst pain I have felt in a long, long time! I remember crying about how much it hurt. I think I was leaning into the nurse and then nothing. The next thing I remember was being in my room after recovery and Jason was there. I really don't remember much of that either. The anesthesiologist said my reaction was normal and meant that the drugs were working. Both doctors said everything went well. All in all, a success!

Jason and Adriaan have been doing a great job taking care of things around the house. The kids look good too. I'm pleased by how everyone has worked together. It's helped with my healing.

I've got pain meds, anti-nausea meds, and an antibiotic to take for the next week. There are drainage bags that Jason helps me with. I won't get into too much details, but I really feel icky and hate that I have to have Jason help me. He's been wonderful though. He's definitely outside his comfort zone, but is my hero for all he's doing.

The kids have adjusted as well as can be expected. The girls understand they can't hug me, but we have been able to spend a little time together. Hayden is leaving me alone altogether. He seems to know that I'm not able to hold him and be with him the way I did before. It's hard to see him like that, but it's for the best. We had a nice night last night watching A Charlie Brown Christmas. I hope to have more of those as I heal.

Twelve Hours and counting

I have just over twelve hours before my surgery. I wrote out this list of things to do on Sunday and have crossed off so little of it. I feel unprepared and anxious about tomorrow. Hayden has an ear infection and has been running a fever off and on since Saturday afternoon. He spent most of the day in my arms. It was nice to cuddle with him knowing that I won't be able to for a while. While I wish that I could have gotten more done, clearly, my time was needed elsewhere.

The girls are almost ready for bed, homework is done, clothes will be put out and backpacks ready for tomorrow. I won't be able to get them to school like I usually do. My father-in-law, Adriaan will be doing that. Adriaan and my mom will be in charge of Hayden. I hope he'll be okay.

Jason will take me to the hospital and stay with me until I'm wheeled away. He should be back before the surgery is over and will stay with me in recovery. I still have to make a list of people he needs to email or call when it's over. Thanks to those that will help spread the word for him!

Well, I need to get the kids ready for bed. I have another hour to get some hugs and kisses in before tomorrow. Wish us luck. I really, really need it...